Our relentless pessimism campaign is working

Alright shut the door and sit down. And stop clapping. Stop clapping! Goodness, I may demand absolutely loyalty from this National caucus, but I’m not a dictator. You in the front row, am I a dictator? Look at me when I’m talking to you. That’s right, I’m not.

Now you all listen. Some things have pleased me. And some have displeased me. I’ll start with the good news. Our campaign of relentless pessimism and stoking division is ramping up. It’s good to see the usual suspects being perpwalked. Criminals. Gangs. Criminal gangs. Woke folk who hate farmers. Feeble soy-boys who hate utes. And there’ll be more to come, oh yes. I haven’t disinterred

Don Brash and brought him back into the tent for his matinee-idol good looks, that’s for sure.

Never forget: negativity is the strongest thing our brand has going for it right now. I am the antikind, and don’t you frigging forget it.

On that note, for any of you virgin newbies in the caucus who are minded to do something constructive, I have two words for you. Harden up. Remember Todd Muller, over in the corner there? Remember when he said ‘‘I’m not interested in opposition for opposition’s sake’’? How did that work out for him? How did that work out for you, Todd? No, don’t answer, that was rhetorical. Go back to your crossword, or your basket weaving, or whatever it is you do now.

No, if you want a role model, look at Chris Bishop. Remember when he was bright-eyed, bushytailed and reasonable? Feck-load of good that was doing us. But nowadays if Chris has to post some bull-puckey Facebook meme about millions of dollars of taxpayer money being spent on gangs he just swallows hard on any gag reflex from the advanced-reasoning part of his brain and does it. Don’t you, Chris? Yes you do.

Now for the bad news. We’re still polling lower than a Labour lackey licking Jacinda’s ethicallysourced boots. And I’m polling lower than that grinning, twerking meerkat Seymour. This is the responsibility of all of us, so what are you doing about it? I was promised billboards. Billboards with my face and ‘‘Demand The Debate’’ on them. Where are all the billboards?

C ome on, people! Yes, I know we used to complain about the Government doing nothing, and now we’re complaining about the Government doing too much. But for the love of Leighton Smith we’re targeting ACT-leaning talkback listeners here – they care about consistency less than they care about vegan cyclists.

So get out there and stir them up. I want to hear them angry! I want to hear them demanding debate! I want to hear them shouting loudly about how much they are silenced!

And then I want their votes. And one other thing, ‘demand the debate’ obviously doesn’t mean any debate about my leadership. That’s not what the ordinary New Zealander wants to hear. And it’s certainly not what I want to hear. So if you get any silly ideas, just remember: I have a particular set of skills. If you cross me I will hunt you. I will find you. And I will gut you like a fish.

That’s all. Now go out there and smile!