Funless G.I. Joe reboot slithers into realms of the ridiculous

Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins (M, 121 mins) Directed by Robert Schwentke Reviewed by Graeme Tuckett ★★

When I was a kid, I believed there was a room somewhere, with a big table of old men, who invented words and decided on their usage.

And – this is true – if I ever came up with a word I thought should exist, I would write them a letter, which my Mum – bless her – would tell me she had posted to where it was those men lived. And because my Mum was incapable of telling a lie, I believe she probably did.

If she was around today, I would ask her to send a new letter to those men, to ask them why the word ‘‘funless’’ hardly ever gets used, when it is the exact word we need for films like Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins, which I have just watched so that you will never have to.

I regularly call films graceless, witless, pointless and joyless – and all of those fine adjectives would be equally pertinent here.

But Snake Eyes seems to me to have a very specific problem – that it is no fun. For a film about people making up names for themselves while beating 10 hells out of each other with swords and fighting off giant snakes, that seems unforgivable.

Snake Eyes is a purported reboot of the G.I. Joe franchise – about which I have said kind things in the past – via one of its more idiosyncratic team members.

Snake Eyes is an orphaned renegade who has somehow acquired all sorts of fighty powers and has now been invited to join a shadowy secret organisation, which may, or may not, turn out to be exactly the pack of villains who caused him to be an orphan in the first place. This is superhero-origin boilerplate, but without any likeable or empathetic characters at all.

Henry Golding (Crazy Rich

Henry Golding is hampered by a script bursting with dialogue that sounds like it’s been generated by an app.

Asians) is surely doing his best in the lead, but he’s hampered by a script bursting with dialogue that sounds like it’s been generated by an app.

A decent action film is one that keeps the stunts and violence percolating and imparts whatever plot we need while interesting stuff is still happening on screen.

Even a lovably daft load of old rubbish such as Mortal Kombat managed to do this. But Snake Eyes grinds to a halt early and often, so that characters can explain what’s happening to us. It’s tiresome, and that unforgivable two-hour running time is a direct result.

And yet, there is still no explanation for who half these characters are, or what their part in the film is supposed to achieve.

Samara Weaving (Guns Akimbo) and Ursula Corbero (Money Heist) both come off the bench late in the second half, but only dilute the conflict that should be driving the film. I’m sure all will make sense when the planned sequel comes floating down the pike, but for now, Snake Eyes just reeks of poor writing and a baggy edit.

On the plus side, there is at least some quite beautiful cinematography to distract you. Director of photography Bojan Bazelli is an industry legend, with Pete’s Dragon, Mr and Mrs Smith, Kalifornia and Abel Ferrara’s King of New York on his much-storied CV. And some of the special effects – those giant snakes especially – are pretty effective.

But mostly, Snake Eyes is a film for which the word ‘‘funless’’ seems just about perfect. I’d send someone a letter, if my Mum had ever told me the address.