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Understanding narcissistic abuse

Rhonda Dalliessi

In light of the recent Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard case and #MeToo, it would be fair to ask, ‘‘Would the real narcissist please stand up?’’.

It’s hard to imagine that only 10 years ago, very few people had heard the term ‘‘narcissist’’, let alone understood what it meant. Today, it has become an overused label. It’s not uncommon to meet a couple, recently separated or feuding, where both parties claim that the other is a narcissist.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we all display narcissistic traits in our behaviour from time to time. A narcissist, however, is the sort of person who will run you over, then scold you for being in their way, then endlessly complain about how you intentionally damaged their car.

According to the founder of the Academy for Post Traumatic Growth in the UK, the number of people affected by narcissistic abuse worldwide is currently estimated to be between 4% to 8% of the world’s population. That’s up to 600 million partners, children and family members.

To define a narcissist, most socalled experts will point you to the DSM-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of mental disorders). This lists nine character traits, and a person must consistently display five or more of these to be classified as having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). They are:

■ Grandiosity, with expectations of superior treatment from other people;

■ Being fixated on fantasies of power, success, intelligence, attractiveness etc;

■ A self-perception of being unique, superior, and associated with highstatus people and institutions;

■ Needing continual admiration from others;

■ A sense of entitlement to special treatment and to obedience from others;

■ Being exploitative of others to achieve personal gain;

■ Being unwilling to empathise with the feelings, wishes and needs of other people;

■ Being intensely envious of others, and believing that others are equally envious of them;

■ A pompous and arrogant demeanour.

The trouble with the DSM-5 as a diagnostic tool is that a true narcissist does not believe there is anything wrong with them, so the chances of getting an NPD diagnosis for a perpetrator are slim.

But as any victim of truly narcissistic abuse can tell you, the real test for determining if the abuse is narcissistic or not is to ask, was there intentional infliction of emotional damage (IIED)? This means the perpetrator acted with ‘‘intentional use of extreme and outrageous conduct which results in mental anguish or physical bodily harm’’ (not necessarily injury).

There are many types of narcissistic behaviour. What makes it so terrifying and malignant is the covert way in which narcissists tend to operate.

Narcissists can be very charismatic, and even pathological ones can be high-functioning, with successful high-profile careers. A narcissist with the public persona of a ‘‘street angel’’ is likely to be a ‘‘home devil’’, terrorising their family behind closed doors.

So why don’t victims of this insidious abuse just leave? Apart from the fact that victims often still love their abusers, despite their pain, the primary reason, which most observers do not understand, is the nature of the abuse itself.

Firstly, the abuse tends to build up slowly over time. So, a bit like being a frog in a slow-boiling pot, the victim does not realise how bad things really are because the behaviour has become normalised.

Secondly, narcissistic abuse is a definite pattern of intermittent fear-inducing behaviour, interspersed with ‘‘love bombing’’ or some other ‘‘reward’’, combined with ‘‘devaluing’’ (criticism, abuse) of the victim. This initiates a stress response which causes their brain to release the addiction hormone dopamine (in anticipation of the reward). The abuse strips away the victim’s self-confidence and enthusiasm for life, causing them to lose morale and confidence in their ability to survive on their own.

Mind games (called ‘‘gaslighting’’) are among the many tools narcissists use, causing deep mental and emotional distress which victims often describe as being worse than physical abuse.

This trauma causes the prefrontal cortex (the ‘‘logical’’ part) of the brain to shut down, and the emotional ‘‘limbic’’ brain takes over. This causes cognitive dissonance, where the desire for one thing is equally matched by fear of another.

All of these things work together to keep the victim trapped in a ‘‘trauma bond’’ which is very hard to break.

So how can you tell if you, or someone you love, may be the victim of narcissistic abuse?

The first signs may occur in the body, such as unexplained migraines, insomnia, anxiety, (new) food intolerances, irritable bowel syndrome, digestive complaints, heart palpitations, stomach ulcers, hormone imbalance, sadness, fatigue, depression, brain fog, confusion and forgetfulness.

Narcissistic abuse creates no visible wounds, yet the damage can be long-lasting and devastating, causing CPTSD (Complex PostTraumatic Stress Disorder).

Victims often feel overwhelmed by fear, anger, guilt and confusion. They find it difficult to reach out for help, fearing that they might be shamed or misjudged, or that others won’t believe them.

Trauma bond and CPTSD can be broken and, with the right help, the effects of narcissistic abuse can be reversed. Healing is a process, but with commitment and persistence, victims can go on to achieve posttraumatic growth.

If you would like more information or help from a certified and accredited Narcissistic Abuse Specialist & Trauma Informed Coach, with first-hand experience, contact admin@victoryover whelming.com. We understand what you are going through.

World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day is June 1.

Opinion

en-nz

2022-05-28T07:00:00.0000000Z

2022-05-28T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://fairfaxmedia.pressreader.com/article/281771337815019

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