SO, WHAT ARE YOU INTO?

Melody Thomas wants you to have better sex. finds out how.

Talking abou t se x isn’t easy. But rather than killing the mood, The Good Sex Project podcast host Melody Thomas thinks talking abou titb uilds anticipation, and ensures a better outcome for everyone involved. “With those four magic words, ‘What are you into?’, you open u psom uch more room for fun and play, instead of jumping to assumptions. It’s how queer folk have been kicking off their sexual interactions for decades. It’s well-past time straight people tried it, too.”

New Zealanders hav earep utation for being bad at talking abou t se x ,b ut it’s not ou r fa ult – most of our upbringings didn’t include open conversations about sex and sexuality.

“It’s not just endemic to New Zealand, either. But what I find interesting is that once you give people space to talk about it... they just go for it.”

For the series, Thomas interviewed dozens of everyday New Zealanders about the things they’re dealing with, from average casual sex and struggling to maintain “the spark” within long-term relationships, throu ghtos winging, dating post-divorce and – in the case of one 76-year-old woman – how it’s never too late to embrace pleasure.

“The series is called The Good Sex Projec t,b ut it’s not abou tm ulti-orgasmic, next-level sex – not really. I’m more interested in helping to make sure fewer people are enduring bad sex and shitty relationships,” says Thomas.

“But the No More Bad Sex podcast doesn’t have the same ring to it.”

And while the conversations are incredibly personal, she believes it’s important to make space for those who want to have them.

“People just feel so alone… and I want to get voices out there so people realise there is no such thing as ‘normal’ sex or a ‘normal’ amount of sex to be having. As Emily Nagoski [author, sex educator] told me: ‘If it feels good, then you are doing it right’.”

When it comes to surveys and research looking at promiscuity ,orthen umber of sexual partners people hav eo ver a lifetime, New Zealanders often come out on top. But while w e ha ve a bit of it, the se xw e’re having isn’t always amazing.

“[ A Du rex survey] reported that New Zealanders’ levels of sexual satisfaction are… low. We’re either not having as much sex as we want to, or the se xw e’re having is just not hitting the mark. And then there’s the orgasm gap…”

The orgasm gap is a widely-reported phenomenon, where women in heterosexual relationships experience substantially fewer orgasms than their male partners. In one 2016 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior, 95% of hetero men reported that they orgasm “usually or all of the time”, compared to 65% of hetero women. And before you say it’s just because women’s bodies are more complicated than men’s, the gap gets much smaller for lesbian women, who reliably reach orgasm 86% of the time. Meaning, sex for women is reliabl yw orse when they hav e it with men. And one New Zealand-specific survey done through Adult Toy Megastore indicates the gap is even wider here.

“A lot of that comes down to a lack of understanding about the clitoris. We didn’t have an official map of the clitoris until 200 5–t wo years after we cloned a sheep,” says Thomas. “The clitoris is the biological homologue to the penis, it’s made u pofe xactly the same stuff, and most people who have one require pretty consistent stimulation to it during sex if they want to reach orgasm.”

There are some who call for the need to stop over focusing on orgasm, given how that preoccupation can get in the way of sexual enjoyment, and sometimes even make orgasm harder to reach. Thomas agrees, with a caveat.

“I’d like to see the orgasm gap close a bit, first. Before we stop focusing on orgasm entirely,” she says.

This isn’t Thomas’ first foray into the world of sex and relationships. She first started talking to people abou tse x for the award-winning series Bang!,

created for RNZ, after discovering a podcast called Savage Lovecast, hosted b yA merican sex advice guru Dan Savage (who features in both Bang! and The Good Sex Project).

“Ij ust thought, hang on, there’s nothing like this in New Zealand. Surel yw eco uld benefit from conversations like this, too?” she says.

Back then, she was a total beginner, and some of the conversations were pretty awkward.

“I remember m yv ery first intervie ww as with this couple in their 70s, about their incredible sex life. They were very flirt yw ith each other, so I asked if I should step out, and they told me they’d already had sex that morning in anticipation of m yv isit. Amazing.”

Thomas also interviewed TV personality Matty McLean, who was her childhood neighbour, about the time they played “doctors and nurses” in a treehouse as kids.

“Matt yw ass uch a good sport. His mum w asa sexual health nurse so he actually did have a pretty open upbringing around sexuality, and I think he actually coped better with it than me. But so many of u sha v ee xperiences like that from childhood. I wanted people to know that’s really normal, too.”

As well as sex, the podcast spends a lot of time exploring relationships, including what a healthy relationship looks and feels like, and guidance for people who are struggling.

“Our relationships can hav es u chah uge impact on o ur wellbeing, but we’re given no tools to navigate them. How to have a constructive argument, how to navigate jealousy, what kinds of red flags to look out for in the early stages… I would lov eto have known some of that stuff before I got into relationships myself. I want to make sure other people have that information.”

As well as everyday people, the series also features well known Kiw iss uch as Alice Snedden and Alice Soper and international experts Dan Savage, Chantelle Otten, Emily Nagoski and Clementine Ford, helping Thomas accurately navigate this fertile ground of modern sex and relationships.

Together, they tackle complex subjects such as sexuality and identity, consent, hooku pc ulture, pornography and the rise of sex acts such as choking and anal sex among young people. They do so without leaning into salaciousness or squeamishness, because – as Thomas says – there’s just no need for it.

“Sex isj ust another thing most of us do, or want to do, and it doesn’t need to be treated any differently to other conversations. [Sex ]isj ust about people wanting to connect, physically or emotionally or both, and when we don’t talk about it, a lot of them get hurt. I’d rather have uncomfortable conversations first and minimise the fallout later.”

Our relationships can have such a huge impact on our wellbeing, but we’re given no tools to navigate them. How to have a constructive argument, how to navigate jealousy, what kinds of red f lags to look out for in the early stages...

The Good Sex Project from Stuff and

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