My Birthday Honours list

While some recipients of King’s Birthday Honours undoubtedly deserved them, this year’s roll was as typical as the ones preceding it. Even the most cursory look at the list of new dames, knights, companions and officers shows many have been chosen for just doing their jobs. Doing them well, certainly, though it’s not like the prime minister was ever going to just throw her hands up and walk away from this mess.

Actually, that’s exactly what she did, but nonetheless, many of the accolades go to people who’ve done what they were meant, or paid, to do. That doesn’t include those recognised for services to highland dancing, race walking or brass bands, but you get my point.

That’s why I’ve come up with an alternative list, encompassing both notable New Zealanders and happenings of the past year that deserve a bit of a shout-out. I wrote this on my birthday, which really is June 5, by the way.

The prize for outstanding pettiness: Fire & Emergency, take a bow. After losing a long-fought battle over pay and working conditions for firefighters, the organisation quickly banned employees from charging their cars at work. Do employers owe free electricity to staff? Of course not. Was this a case of petulant power-tripping? Absolutely.

Tenacity trophy: Admittedly all Wainui the alpaca had to do to win this one was hang about but, nonetheless, in January the 25-year-old cudchewing legend was crowned the oldest of his type in captivity. This category’s runner-up is Pablo the macaw, still being sighted after an alleged violent incident saw him fly 180km from Russell to Auckland. A special mention goes to Winston Peters, also still hanging about and occasionally sighted. Services to smallgoods: Whoever’s been leaving sausages wrapped in bread in Waiheke letterboxes is the obvious winner of this one. We may never know the identity of the Surfdale Sausager but it doesn’t matter – they showed us a cost-of-living crisis should never stand in the way of a laugh. The Russell Crowe ribbon: Typically quick to claim credit for any big name with even the most tenuous link to our country, Aotearoa’s keeping shtum on disgraced UK celebrity Phillip Schofield. Yes, he used to be a star on our tellies; no, we don’t want anyone mentioning that.

Services to housing: This goes to all those stories featuring young folks who’ve managed to buy a house while burying the fact they had money from their parents to do it. Runner-up goes to everyone who spruiked the benefits of living in a tiny house/ van/whatever then quietly moved out cos it was too small.

Services to health: ‘‘Aotearoa’’ takes this one, but not the actual country, just the word. A Rorschach test for racists, the term quickly identifies people best avoided, thus providing a win for all-round wellbeing. ‘‘Karakia’’ comes a close second for a similar effect on local government officials.

The prize for courage in the face of adversity: This unwanted accolade goes to foodbank operators and is shared with anyone forced to enter an emergency department or Work and Income office. Runners-up include nurses, women in general, as well as the few folk still trying to eradicate rheumatic fever, though it’s really apathy, not adversity, faced by the latter. Outstanding contribution to NZ: When Paora the kiwi was filmed being mishandled at a US zoo, Aotearoa lost its collective mind, demanding both change and a promise it’ll never happen again. That’s why this year’s top honour goes to Paora for proving just how much the country cares when a little defenceless kiwi is in danger. As long as that little kiwi’s a bird, anyway.