Stuff Digital Edition

Crikey! Albo gives Libs the elbow and WA gives the finger

James Nokise

Comedian, writer, and podcaster. Due to border closures, he accidentally spent eight months in Perth in the leadup to the Australian elections.

Steve Irwin, the late Crocodile Hunter and a man whose honour many Australians have defended in international pub fights, once inadvertently summed up his country’s politics: ‘‘Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.’’

Anyone who stayed up late watching last weekend’s elections would have been forgiven for letting rip a ‘‘Crikey!’’ as the results came in.

Australia has yet another prime minister, but this time with a flash new red majority government.

Anthony ‘‘Albo’’ Albanese, who sounds like Richie Benaud and looks like Harold from Neighbours, wants to do Australian politics differently. This probably means avoiding having two changes of prime minister changes per government. Through both Labor and the Coalition, Albanese is the seventh different prime minister in 15 years.

Addressing an impassioned crowd chanting ‘‘Albo!’’, which in an Aussie accent will forever sound like ‘‘Elbow!’’, the new PM stated: ‘‘I want Australia to continue to be a country that, no matter where you live, who you worship, who you love, or what your last name is, that place is no restriction on your journey in life.’’

Observers of Australian history would be forgiven for questioning his use of the word ‘‘continue’’.

Scott ‘‘ScoMo’’ Morrison, crying tears of presumably sadness, or possibly guilt, while standing on stage at Hillsong – the scandalised church he distanced himself from just two months ago – must have been asking the almighty how none of his PR stunts had worked.

He had attempted to have a cheerful photo with 2021 Australian of the year Grace Tame, which turned into one of the greatest cold photoshoots in political history. If ever a look could be compared to a report card, Tame’s side-eye to Morrison delivered a giant, silent F.

Morrison’s inability to read this warning sign, or in fact the mood of Australian women generally, was probably why many of his Liberal colleagues were ousted by a record number of female politicians. Currently, 14 women have been elected to the Lower House, while the Senate has a female majority.

ScoMo played the ukulele for his family on 60 Minutes to show how fun he was, not seeming to comprehend it might remind voters of the time he went holidaying to Hawaii during the horrific bushfires of 2019’s ‘‘Black Summer’’.

As safe Liberal seats in Melbourne and Sydney fell to blue/ green independents dubbed ‘‘The Teal Wave’’, and the Greens stunningly stormed Brisbane,

Morrison was probably thinking more about climate change than ever before.

He even played a soccer game with children to remind voters that he’s a cool, sporty dad, then somehow managed to rugby tackle (his words) a small 8-year-old.

It cannot be overstated how difficult it is to be in any soccer game, as a child or adult, and find yourself rugby tackling someone. It is also considered bad adulting, political or otherwise, to randomly tackle children. UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson managed to get away with it but, as the English lament, the rules don’t apply to him.

The leadership of the Liberal Party is now up for grabs, and Peter ‘‘Dutto’’ Dutton – whose wife famously defended him by declaring ‘‘he’s not a monster’’ – has pounced on the opportunity.

Dutton promises Australia will see his hereunto unseen compassionate side, while making the Liberal Party ‘‘a broad church’’. Seeing as he snubbed the 2008 apology to First Nation people for the Stolen Generations, campaigned against gay marriage, joked about Pacific nations going underwater, and championed detention camps, it will be interesting to see what his interpretation of the word ‘‘broad’’ means.

Incidentally, Labor MP Tanya Plibersek has apologised to Dutton for saying he looked ‘‘a bit like Voldermort’’.

Meanwhile, the former deputy prime minister and current leader of the Australian National Party, Barnaby ‘‘Beetrooter’’ Joyce, survived because that is his primary political skill.

Queensland mining billionaire Clive Palmer – voted Australia’s least-liked politician in 2021 – spent close to $100 million on the campaign for his United Australia Party and failed to win a single seat. He may have also accidentally given Labor a majority.

Western Australia swung 11% to red, and the Liberals lost five seats, in what was a surprise result for anyone not from there.

The most isolated state in the Great Southern Land endured months of mockery from the Coalition government for its Covid precautions and closed borders. At the same time, Palmer bombarded its newspapers, televisions, and YouTube with daily dismissive adverts. Both groups slammed Labor premier Mark McGowan for political capital in their home states.

But this created a common eastern antagonist for WA voters, who presented a large red middle finger, with teal nail polish, to the powers that presumed to be. A truly political fair dinkum.

Opinion

en-nz

2022-05-28T07:00:00.0000000Z

2022-05-28T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://fairfaxmedia.pressreader.com/article/281870122062837

Stuff Limited