‘Age should be no barrier to the sacred right to bear arms’

Andrew Gunn

US Republican legislators have moved swiftly to reform American firearm laws, proposing a bill that will put a gun in the hands of every child.

‘‘We cannot allow the tragic events of the past week to be repeated,’’ announced Republican leader Congressman Jeb Smooter.

‘‘It’s unacceptable that in 2022 one bad apple with mental health issues can be allowed to rampage unchecked against defenceless children. The answer is simple. Those children must be given the means to take up arms. That is why the National School Gun Program will provide free or subsidised handguns to every American child.’’

The proposed bill goes far beyond previous Republican efforts to combat mass shootings by arming teachers, janitors and other random adults in the vicinity.

‘‘Those proposed measures, while well-intentioned, were piecemeal at best,’’ explained Congressman Smooter. ‘‘At the end of the day, the best defence against one bad 17-year-old with a gun will always be 20 good 8-year-olds with guns, am I right?’’

Pressed for details on how the proposed National School Gun Program will be funded, Congressman Smooter explained it will replace the National School Lunch Program, which provides more than five billion meals to American school students every year.

‘‘Free school lunches have for too long been a shameful socialist stain on our great nation.

When you calculate the yearly cost of providing one reliable, efficient Glock 19 Luger versus hundreds of expensive healthy, nutritional meals that should be the responsibility of parents, it’s not only the right thing to do, it’s a net saving to the American taxpayer.’’

The proposed bill has no lower age limit on who will be provided with a firearm. ‘‘The Republican Party has always stood against discrimination. The God-given right to bear arms applies to every American citizen, no matter the state in which they reside, the colour of their skin or the way in which they choose to worship Jesus. Similarly, age must not be a barrier.

‘‘This law will ensure that every young person will have access to a gun, be they an elementary schooler, toddler or the technically unborn, right back to when life begins at conception.’’

Asked how some of these ‘young people’ could possibly hold a gun,

Congressman Smooter was confident that any problems could be overcome by American gun manufacturers.

‘‘The great American firearms industry has dealt with many challenges before. I’m sure that with our support, as always, it will deal with this one.’’

Congressman Smooter was equally adamant that there would be no issue in supplying guns to foetuses.

‘‘Not that I’ve heard anything official, but I’m pretty sure our friends in the Supreme Court have that one well under control. Watch this space, is all I’m saying.’’ Congressman Smooter concluded by saying that his only concern was that the new gun law could be held up in the legislature by politicians with their own agendas, and that until it passes he offers his thoughts and prayers to everyone.