Aroha

Kitty Brown, 42, (Kāi Tahu) is the co-creator of Reo Pēpi, which produces bilingual books in te reo and English for children and has just published Matariki. She is married to Dan Parker, 39, a builder/stay-at-home father to the couple’s children Tama Taituha, 10, and daughter Kuini, 3. They live in Portobello, Dunedin.

KITTY: I was 23 when I met Dan. I’d just broken up with the man I thought was the love of my life and had been pretty badly burned. I was broken hearted and definitely wasn’t looking for another relationship.

I’d been working in Dunedin when I saw a Mikey Havoc TV programme about the Coromandel. I’d never been there and thought it looked beautiful, so I moved to Whitianga.

I’d already booked my flights to London when I met Dan. A mutual friend gave us a lift to a party and I thought Dan was hilarious. But we were heading in separate directions – I was going on my OE and he was giving up his career as a chef to start a building apprenticeship in Taranaki.

We’d only known each other a short time but when I went to the UK I really missed him. He flew over after three months and we moved in together in Cornwall where I was working for Rick Stein’s Seafood Restaurant.

We eventually came back to Dunedin. Before my mother died, she took me to Tītī/Muttonbird Islands. Mum wanted to leave me her muttonbird rights, which I wasn’t that keen on because I was vegetarian. But Dan couldn’t come with me to the island unless we were married because you have to have the whakapapa right to visit.

So one morning in bed I asked Dan if he wanted to get married. My decision, while initiated by my island conundrum, was ultimately based on a deep knowledge that I wanted him to be the one I continued my whakapapa line with.

Dan didn’t grow up with a father but he’s grown into a fantastic father and provider himself. He also still makes me laugh every day. I’ve watched him change and figure out his direction in life. He’s very focused and self directed in learning new things.

Dan’s only downside, if you can call it that, is that he is really resistant to sickness. Maybe he sees it as a weakness but if he’s sick he won’t stop, which might be interesting if he’s in denial in our old age.

The central ethos of our relationship is that we are still our own people. We’ve retained our identities and continue to grow as individuals. That means having our own interests – for Dan that’s surfing, and yoga for me.

But during lockdown we started doing things like online parenting courses together. We’re committed to learning together and are also doing personal development courses about decolonisation. We’ve also done a permaculture course because we’re growing a food forest.

I guess we’re pretty lucky with our relationship. But it still takes work, all relationships do.

DAN: I grew up in Christchurch and got into surfing at a young age. I wasn’t really focused on school and mum’s biggest fear was that I’d end up a beach bum.

I fell into cooking and eventually moved to Whitianga where I surfed during the day and cooked at night. I was 23 and a bit of a ladies man.

When I met Kitty I had finally got my career path together and landed a building apprenticeship in Taranaki. I was focused on that rather than having a relationship.

But Kitty appealed to me because she was different. So many of the women I met in hospo circles were overdone and plastic – you know, too much makeup. But Kitty was down to earth and had a real sense of purpose about her. She also has a way of talking to people that’s engaging and kind.

Before Kitty flew to the UK we had a weekend together in Taranaki, which was really nice. I was happy with the direction my life was going in so wasn’t in a hurry to change it. And I worried about the risk of giving up my apprenticeship and spending all the money I had getting to the other side of the world to be with someone I had only known a short time. It could all have turned to custard and I would have had to catch the next plane home.

But I kept thinking, ‘why not give this a try?’ So I headed over three months after Kitty left and even though she was late picking me up from Heathrow, on the drive to Cornwall I knew I’d done the right thing. It felt comfortable and easy between us.

We got married in 2010. I grew up with a single mother so marriage wasn’t something I saw for myself. But when Kitty said to me, ‘why don’t we get married’, it felt right. It wasn’t the most romantic proposal, but it got the job done!

We try to share the workload and parenting as much as possible. Kitty earns more money than I do, which is sometimes hard and I battle with that because society tells us that men should earn the money, especially in a masculine profession like the building trade. I’ve had to learn to let go of my ego.

Kitty gives me the space to do things like go surfing. As any partner of a surfer knows, it can eat up a fair few hours. But she accepts me following my needs and passions.

One of our big focuses is to slow down the busyness of our lives, become more minimalist and focus on what’s really important to us.