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‘Smile, wave and be pretty relaxed, Luxie’

Andrew Gunn

Parliament Grounds. Night. The twin figures of John Key and Christopher Luxon gaze up at the floodlit Beehive. JK: Luxie, Luxie, Luxie, look at that right there. Keep your eyes on the prize, eh? Oh, I love it when a plan comes together.

CL: If you say so John. I’m just…

JK: What? Spit it out, my youngish prote´ ge´ .

CL: John, is running the country really like running a business?

JK: That’s what the focus groups say, Luxie, so it must be true! Nah, it really is. Look, take your old business, Air New Zealand. Now, your MPs, they’re like the planes you had.

CL: You mean they’re efficient, reliable, always high-performing and regularly serviced?

JK: Ah. Well, I mean there’s always a few who’ll ice up, break down, leak, wander hopelessly off course, get stuck on autopilot or accidentally dump a solid block of toxic, foul-smelling material…

CL: Oh gracious!

JK: Relax, Luxie! The other parties’ MPs are just the same.

CL: So the other parties’ MPs,

they’re like the planes of your competing airlines, right?

JK: Exactly! As long as you bear in mind that at any given time, as well as flying their own routes, they’ll also be aiming heat-seeking missiles up your tailpipe.

CL: That doesn’t sound very Christian.

JK: I wouldn’t use the C-word round here, Luxie.

CL: Look John, I’ve made it clear that I don’t let my faith interfere in my job. After all, when I headed up Air New Zealand we did work for the Saudi military. That’s diversity right there!

JK: Again, not something I’d be blowing my Gabriel’s trumpet about, Luxie.

But don’t you worry about the other parties’ MPs. It’s your own crowd you need to keep an eye on. Sooner or later one of them’ll be aiming their own heat-seeking missile up your tailpipe.

That’s when they’re not dogfighting each other or mounting a kamikaze run on someone they’ve got a grudge against.

CL: Are we ... are we talking about Judith?

JK: First rule of Centre-Right Club, Luxie. No-one talks about Judith.

CL: Goodness, this doesn’t sound like the airline business I’m used to running at all.

JK: Oh, I don’t know. Look at your passengers. They’re just like voters.

CL: Happy and excited about the journey they’re going on?

JK: I was going to say grumpy about being taken for a ride.

CL: But people love Air New Zealand. It’s the nation’s flag-carrier.

JK: Just steer clear of the flag metaphors, wouldja?

CL: It was a happy place there! Noone cared that I have seven houses and didn’t know what the living wage is.

JK: You want to do what I did, Luxie. Smile, wave and be pretty relaxed.

CL: All I want people to know, John, is I’ve arrived here with no baggage.

JK: Ah, good old Air New Zealand! Have you tried Invercargill?

Opinion

en-nz

2021-12-04T08:00:00.0000000Z

2021-12-04T08:00:00.0000000Z

https://fairfaxmedia.pressreader.com/article/281732682769803

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